So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
