i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
