I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
