i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
