Betty ford says i'm here all night
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Randomize
