I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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