anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
