I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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