We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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