thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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