just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
