shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
When are your genitals available?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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