He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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