I hate your face
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
