also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
