Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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