I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
