Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
