I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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