i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize