Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
