I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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