You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
