Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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