census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
