In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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