Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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