Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
