Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
