There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
