Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
