What did we do last night that was yellow?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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