Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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