Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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