meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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