She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
