Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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