Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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