u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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