I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
