Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
