Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
