How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Randomize
