My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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