Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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