I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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