Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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