There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
