He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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