i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
