You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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