at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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