my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
