College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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