I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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