can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
