There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize