I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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