He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
