you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
you made out with another girl for some wings
not ubering you a puppy
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
