he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
