just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Come see our sink grown plant.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize