Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sorry my hands just texted you
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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