I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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