If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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